all along i was doing it with a stranger

Our bodies entwined with lust,
Emotions get the best of us;
Just like the rest, it was fiery hot
In night or in the day 'twas on the spot.
I do not know who I was and,
Neither he knew what he has.

In my bed, he was dead,
Dying inside me tamed and weak;
We were one every night and
Separable every day, in any way.
The battle was never over, love was.
I cried, but we both wanted more.

Then there was a day after my sleep,
After the thousand times of waking up
without someone beside me,
I woke up...to see what is real
And I had understood that he was new
constantly.

He was never the man I loved
and I wasn't the woman he used to love.
I messed up! With no dignity, losing purity;
For I never knew that all along
I was doing it with a stranger,
A stranger who doesn't love me at all.

I HAD SEX WITH A STRANGER

Today, I had made my first step to finally kiss dating goodbye. While I was reading the lessons Joshua Harris wrote in his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and after watching Dear John twice, I realized that I really wanted no one to be with but myself and that my loved ones could fulfill the emptiness that's been embracing me for quite sometime already.

Oh yes, I wouldn't deny that I still miss the feeling of being hugged and kissed. I miss the way a very much in love couple does. I miss how to be loved and how to be cared about so much. I still miss my previous lover, and somehow I can say that I still love him that's why I realized that dating or letting other people enter my life isn't the solution I need but time to know myself even more, time to know what I really want to do with my life.

I had said that I am a one-man woman and I will always stand by that. Dating other guys nevertheless, has done me no good at all. I still want to find out who I am and I can say that as of the moment, being a single mom had helped me to enjoy my life even more. I can focus on my studies now, I can take care of my son without getting stressed at all. Yeah, baby sitting can be very tiring but it is literal now unlike before when I am so tired of my life that I wanna puke out all the bad feelings. I looked ugly when I was still committed to someone who had promised me the word "forever" but left me after three years. And since the night that I closed the book of our love story, I felt better and lighter. I can breathe now...with poise and beauty. People already see my worth and I can feel my substance coming back again as a woman. I guess I'll be more complete if I say goodbye to dating for about sometime until the right moment come. Besides dating can be dangerous sometimes and I don't want to see myself waking up one day inside a room surrounded by lustrous elements telling to myself that I had sex with stranger.

I have my family, I have my friends and where they are there my home is and there true love exists. I don't really need someone I only want as a companion not as a lover. I don't need a man at all because happiness isn't measured with what I have or who I am, it's how I live to make my life happy and worth living for. And for that, I am telling this to the world.

I Am Not Who I Am

Before I start saying a thing here, I owe to tell the world why I entitled this post "I am not who I am". It may sound confusing (I know right), but I think this post will help me explain myself to those people who don't understand why I am behaving like this and that what they see everyday is just the typical me. The one who would always love to eat frozen yogurts and hang out. I want to tell the world that I am not who I am to their eyes.

I hate it when people tell me what should I and what should I not do. I hate it when they tell me when to stop. I hate being dictated what to share on Facebook, what to say to the world, what to write or who to love. I hate when people mingle with my stuffs, things that I would prefer to do alone.

I hurt when people tells me how miserable my life is. I hurt when someone tells me that I am ruining my life and that my life doesn't have a direction at all. For that is not who I am.

I would never want to live a miserable life nor would ever make it miserable on purpose. Someone who is sane enough won't even think of doing it and I am glad to call myself sane.
People think that I do the things I do now because I wanna ruin my life. People interfere, they meddle in my affairs and they do not even know the reason why I am doing those things so. I can hear some of them saying how I irritate them with my misdemeanors yet little did they know how their intervening irritates me more...so much more.

They might be my friends, my parents, my relatives. They might be my lovers as well or any individual who wants to show their concern but they have to understand that they aren't the ones living my life for me and neither do I live my life for them. I am eighteen and of legal age, I have my life to live, and I know how to live it for myself. I have huge plans for myself, for my son, for my family. I might got lost track of the right direction once, but it doesn't mean that my life has to end there. I fully know in my heart what kind of spirit I possess. I am a very strong woman and I will accomplish a lot in the future. I am now starting to tell the world who I am.

I hate it when people interfere...when somebody instantly interrupts in the middle of my story-telling. Can't they just live their lives and leave other people alone? Leave me alone.
For what I need are the people I can call my friends and could stand seeing me on my ugliest side and not those who loves being there to criticize my mess. 'Cause what they see is not who I am. The way I behave could not tell them who I am. But I can.

I may be able to speak the language of human beings, and even of angels, but if I have no love my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. I may have the power to move mountains and even to rule the earth, but if I have no love, I am nothing 'cause just like any other person living, I love and I wish to be loved back. I am still enslaved with what I feel, I can cry caused by this loneliness but I chose not to. I chose not to be miserable and bitter any longer. I still miss the feeling of being in love and being loved back, and my heart still belongs to that man I call my Master. I still hurt up to this day, and I still long for the warm embraces but I chose to keep my pride with me for I am a vulnerable goddess, a mortal Hera, I fall and stand. And this is who I am.

Camila-Astraea

different everyday

I met with an old friend named Karen before proceeding to school. I did a few stuffs earlier though, making some big steps toward my future. I am not new into blogging, this is my second account actually but the thought of opening the first one surely would only remind me of terrible things in the past. I am, of course, referring to a person who introduced me to the blogging world, his name is Jenny Arvyn.

I do the same stuffs everyday. I go to school, I do home works, I do some house chores, I baby sit, I walk, I eat, I laugh, I sleep. I live my very beautiful life. What makes my life different everyday is how I choose to live it. There are times that I live it with boisterous laughter, sometimes I live with crystal waters in my eyes. People call it tears but for me it's more than just that. I make poems, I tell stories to my friends, I lie to my mother, I have persons to call my beau, I am miserably happy.

I want to be different everyday even though I sometimes do not know how to. Maybe if I'll be in Africa I can change my life everyday having to experience winter, summer, rain and fall in a day.
I live, I love. I cry a lot, I laugh more. I pray and meditate. I care about my friends but never will I care about other people.

Everyday, I travel by the LRTA. I make it different everyday by simply looking for people I've known in my past..who knows, they can play a huge part in my future.